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The race is on as we move from Thanksgiving and into the Christmas – Holiday – Gift-giving season. For some reason, I woke up this morning thinking about Gary Chapman’s book: The 5 Love Languages (The Secret to Love that Lasts).
This book was first published in 1992 and quickly became a best seller. Do you remember taking a short assessment and quickly discerning your own “love language” as well as the love language of those you cared about? While the first book dealt primarily with marriage, Mr. Chapman quickly expanded the theme to include all the people we love.
So why did this book show up in my thoughts today? Because this is the season of love – the purpose of this season is love – all the ways we celebrate are based in love .
As Chapman points out, what demonstrates love to us may be different than the way it feels to the person sitting next to us. I went back to my short list of those persons I love, determined to do a better job this year of speaking the right love language to those I care deeply for.
Here are some reminders (for me and that I hope will be helpful to you as well:
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation.
Everyone – and I do mean everyone – is enhanced by words of affirmation. We live in a world that is quick to criticize and slow to compliment. This season I plan to be lots more intentional in affirming those around me. That means talking in specifics and sharing how what they do/who they are matters to me. For some people Affirmation is their primary love language. Hearing words of encouragement and kindness matter the most – it is the words that fill their tank with the fuel of feeling loved. I love a couple of those folks and I need to make sure they feel especially encouraged.
Love Language #2: Quality Time.
That means giving someone your undivided attention. It means choosing time with the person you love versus staring into your phone or computer, running around getting all the tasks done, or any of the other things that distract us. Quality time, Quality activities, Quality Conversation. Everyone needs some of this thing called Quality time. In this season that can be far too busy, I am committing to Being Present. Again, we all know someone for whom spending time is THE most important gift. With those people, I need to make a concerted effort to focus on “our” time.
Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts.
This doesn’t mean just any gift. It means giving a gift that is a visual symbol that you paid attention. Perhaps adding a short note to explain the connection between the gift and the person you are giving it to. Sometimes that gift is a real object, and other times it is a gift of attendance. Chapman gives an example of attending an event you wouldn’t have normally bothered with, but you do it because it matters to someone you love. And no, you didn’t have to be asked – you simply attended (happily) as a gift. And no, it’s not about the money, it’s about making a visual connection.
Love Language #4: Acts of Service.
Doing things that the person you love needs to have done. This doesn’t mean forced service – it means helping out because it demonstrates caring. And because you have focused on the important things that need to be done. I want to pause here briefly, because in any partnership tasks get divided. Maybe fairly, maybe not. But love language is different in that it speaks to the love of serving others. Got it?
Love Language #5: Physical Touch.
Of course love language requires discernment. Actually, all of these examples require discernment, but this one a little more. Remember, Chapman’s first book was primarily for couples. But even then, he wasn’t talking about intimacy, rather the warmth of love that comes from a hug, or sitting beside someone, or taking someone’s hand.
You may already know what your love language is. We generally like all the choices, but there is usually one that when denied wounds us. That is true for those we love. I am betting with a little thought you know the love language of those around you.
Love is a choice. And if we have and use the right language, we can make a better choice to show love and then to receive the gratitude of someone who feels love. As the song goes “What the World Needs Now is Love Sweet Love…,” this season I plan to do a better job of paying attention to the love language deficits around me and hopefully fill in some of the gaps. How about you?
